Well, I’ve been meaning to do this for quite awhile. But honestly, Good Friday is the very best day to do it. This is my story. My story of how God came in and changed everything for me. It is where my life got flipped upside down for the better. For me, it is the reason why Good Friday is truly “Good.” How can you say that when your Savior was brutally murdered, mocked, and abandoned? Only when you cling to the truth that He is risen indeed.

So here you go, a post from 3 years ago, when I first started blogging…meet 20 year old Kaitlyn, spilling her guts.

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I’ve been meaning to write this post since I got my tumblr. But here it is finally, the (extremely) long story about how God became the center of my life during my first semester of college. (keep in mind this is actually the short version)

I guess I really have to start with the before…high school. I know this is unbelievably cliche, but like most teenagers, high school was not the best experience for me. My parents got divorced when I was in fourth grade and that was the beginning of a lot of identity confusion for me. By age 9 I had quit most of the activities I was involved with and started to find solace in books. I became very reserved. Not that any of this was my parents fault, they had a very healthy divorce, but my world had felt shattered, and I was slowly withdrawing from normality.

Elementary school finished and middle school went by in a blur. And as most of us I’m sure can say about middle school, it was a time of awkwardness and more identity confusion. As a 12 and 13 year old, I was always lacking self esteem and feeling like something was missing. To spare you all the boring details of middle school, we’ll skip to high school, which shaped a lot of who I used to be. Thanks to my mom, I got involved in the fall with a very intensive swim program that got me in shape for swim tryouts in the winter. I am so thankful for that because it was how I met all of my close friends in high school. Swim season quickly became my favorite time of year and the friendships I developed are still cherished today.

Although at times it looked like things were really going well for me, I always felt like I was missing something. I felt satisfied when I was around my friends, but when I was alone I felt empty. I simply could not retain the love that my friends would give me. Because of this I was often very emotional (but if you had asked me I would’ve fiercely denied it). I was angry and upset most of the time. I put unrealistic and unspoken expectations on everyone in my life and because of that it was my belief that people were always failing me. And even worse, when they did fail, it had disastrous effects in my life. As I’m sure most of my friends and family would remember, I would rage out and shut down, basically becoming a big mess.

Towards junior and senior year of high school, things only got worse. Hours would pass by that I would not know what had happened, or where the time went. I spent most of my time dwelling on my downfalls and feeling alone; I didn’t know who I was. All the while my grades were dropping; I simply didn’t do my homework because I had no energy to put towards school. Instead I’d read to escape, and try to forget everything that was going on. People pleasing was a big part of my life too. I spent a lot of time investing in others and being over responsible for them, causing irresponsibility in my own life. Looking back, I know that I was going through a season of depression, and often found relief in thinking about how easy it would be not to be around. I felt like I had no hope.

So there I was, the end of senior year with only one letter of acceptance to college: Radford University. Somewhere that I never pictured myself, and intended to transfer out of after my first year. Radford was and still is a party school (what I didn’t know at the time is that pretty much everywhere was) and I found myself at a loss for how I would fit in somewhere with this atmosphere when I had no interest in drinking. I left for school in August with very little hope and a negative attitude.

The first week of school is one that I will never forget. I got an invite to CRU that first Sunday and still remember who gave it to me. Somehow, I ended up at the freshman interest party and was immediately bombarded by some girl named Nicolette. She was SO nice. (and she still is ;]) She was so interested in what I was saying, and I genuinely felt cared for. So how could I say no when she invited me to bible study? I remember telling myself that I’d just ignore her calls, and by giving her my number I wasn’t really making a commitment. My friend Sarah and I left CRU that night convinced that we wouldn’t go back…but nonetheless something in me felt different. (did i mention that I really disliked Christians? that’s a story for a different time) Again, I ended up at the CRU weekly meeting two days later. And then my clever plan to avoid Nicolette’s calls did not work when she invited me to dinner with my potential bible study. I thought to myself, “I don’t have to go to bible study, I’ll just go and meet these girls, maybe they’ll be nice.” And they were. I had fun. Again Nicolette extended an invitation to me, but this time it was to church. I still don’t know why I said yes, I think I felt like she’d be mad if I didn’t. But Sunday morning after feeling out of place through the sermon and communion (neither of which I remember or participated in) the worship band started to play. I listened to be polite, but my world was rocked when Nicolette tapped me on the shoulder.

“I know this is weird,” she said. “But I have to tell you something, Jesus loves you so much.” I started crying, no one had told me that before. I didn’t know why I had such a strong reaction to something I didn’t believe in, but there I was: crying in the middle of a church that I hadn’t wanted to come to. That was what I like to call the beginning of a snowball effect of love from the Campus Crusade ministry and the beginning of feeling God’s love for me. All of this led me to bible study every week, where I asked bold questions, church every Sunday and CRU every Thursday. I signed up for CRU’s annual Fall Retreat on the very last day, running to my dorm to grab my checkbook, unaware of what was in store for me.

I only remember bits and pieces from Fall Retreat. There was the awkward car ride, traditional death roller coaster in the church van from Debbie up to our cabins. My bible study stayed in a cabin that only had three walls, was full of bugs, and froze to death in at night. There were talks throughout the weekend, a lot of worship music, and lots of games. Sounds like fun right? Here’s the thing, it really was. It was life giving. I had never been around so many people that really enjoyed each other and wanted to learn more about God. Early Saturday morning we were told it was time to have our quiet times and spend time with God, which to most meant to go read their bibles, listen to worship music, journal and pray. To me, it meant nothing. But I tried anyways. (below is where i had my first time with God ever)

                            

I’d always been an avid writer and kept a journal, so for the first time, I opened up my journal, sat outside, and started writing to God. I was caught up on the how. How could I just start believing something that I never thought was real? How could I turn my back on the strict unbelief I’d had my entire life? How could I really be sure? During worship later that night, I found myself in tears again (i feel like i cried a lot during this whole experience, a good cry though). I sat down and started praying, my friends put their hand on my back. And then the only worship song that I actually knew started playing: How Great is Our God. And then I felt it, I really did. I knew I needed to talk to someone. I found Nicolette right after worship and started telling her what I’d been thinking about. I asked her how I could just start believing and her answer was simple: faith. She told me that sometimes you just had to jump. And I did. That night I prayed to accept Jesus as my Savior into my heart. I knew that without Him there was no way that I could have a relationship with God. I felt free. I truly felt the weight of sin lifted off my shoulders that next morning as I sang, “Sin has lost its power, death has lost its sting.”

So that is the short version, of the very long story, of how God became the center of my complicated life. Don’t get me wrong, it has not been easy. Most days I forget I have a Savior that wants to take my burdens from me. And I’m not saying there hasn’t been struggles and that doubt hasn’t crept in. But I have felt more joy and more freedom than ever before. I am living for someone much bigger than myself. And I am not looking back.