I’m kind of an obsessive reader. It takes a lot for me to read a book slowly. Usually, I read a book for a couple days, a couple weeks AT MOST and then I’m done. And then I usually reread it if it was really, really awesome. But there’s one book that my soul has forced me to read really slowly. One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. And because of that, and the Creative at Heart conference there’s been a shift in my life the past couple weeks. A shift towards grace and thankfulness. Towards balance and living slowly.
It all started at Creative at Heart. It was towards the end of the second day and my heart was full to the brim. I had spent the last two days surrounded by women who “got me.” They understood the loneliness and insecurity that often accompanies running a small business. The comparison. And they also understood just how easy it was to become overwhelmed and exhausted. To say yes to too many things. So there I was, feeling utterly content and encouraged. And then Bonnie spoke.
And the next hour was filled with hard truth and sweet freedom. Bonnie described how her business was flourishing, her life was full of yes, but “the good thing was slowly killing her.” It was taking a toll on her marriage, her friendships, her self. And I just heard myself speaking. Yes, there was so much good. But I was drained. Feeling a little hopeless for circumstances to get better or easier. And then she spoke truth right into my heart – “You need to decide to start living.” I was the one who was choosing exhaustion; I could just as easily choose balance, choose life.
At this point, my notebook was tear stained. I was so disappointed in myself, but was also feeling the sweet freedom of knowing this was in my control. I didn’t have to blame everything on my circumstances. I just had to learn how to breathe through it.
Shortly after the conference, I was feeling significant freedom, but it still felt like I was missing the point. And then I reread a life changing chapter from the book I mentioned earlier, One Thousand Gifts. I had read this book a year ago and it took me almost 6 months. I would read a chapter, sit on it for a few weeks and then pick it up again. Every chapter felt that dense. It felt as if the truth in this book was changing the way I lived. And a year later, now, I’m rereading and somehow I’ve forgotten this beautiful little chapter on time. Here’s what did it:
“Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I’ve ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rising…Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away…In our rushing, bulls in china shops, we break our own lives.”
Ouch. But isn’t that how I live? I rush around, never entering into something fully. I’m an amazing multitasker. My mind is always in two places. Thinking ahead to what’s next. But “hurry empties a soul.” No wonder I felt empty. It all made sense again. If I embrace the present, “I can slow the torrent [of time] by being all here.” And that’s what has made the difference! I agreed to agree with Ann’s vow: “I will not desecrate this moment with ignorant hurry or sordid ingratitude.”
I will not wish away the moments the Creator has given me any longer. No matter how mundane my human heart may judge a moment, I will embrace it for the gift it is.
And this is why I need heaping bucketfuls of grace. Because this doesn’t happen overnight. It takes practice and prayer. But it is worthwhile. Because life is not an emergency. But, “life is so urgent it necessitates living slow.”
“I redeem time from neglect and apathy and inattentiveness when I swell with thanks and weigh the moment down and it’s giving thanks to God for this moment that multiplies the moments, time made enough.”
One of the many, many reasons I’m thankful to work for Cru is that it reminds me, several times a week, how badly I need God.
